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Annoying SEO Questions (with appropriate answers)

I’ve been a Google Geek for over 10 years now, in this time I’ve worked and consulted with my fair share of companies in all kinds of weird and wonderful niches.

In doing so I’ve had the pleasure of speaking to and advising an insane amount of business owners, from the realistic and successful to the heavily delusional “I’m gonna get rich quick on the Internet coz av built a shit website on me own in Wix” types.

I can safely say that I’ve most probably been asked every question that can be asked about SEO, here’s some of my favourite most annoying questions (with appropriate answers)…

 

Question:

Hi Carl, so liiiiiike I’ve just built my new fashion store on Weebly for a tenner and I need you to get it to the top of Google for “Denim Jeans”. Can you beat ASOS and NEXT for £200 a month?

 

Answer:

SEO-FAQ

 

 

 

Question:

Hi Carl, I need an SEO report, can you spend several hours doing my keyword research and manually reviewing my websites on page SEO, optimised content and backlink profile, then spend another hour on a screen sharing session explaining everything for me?

Also, is it OK if I act really nice and very keen throughout this process but once I’ve got what I wanted is it cool if don’t leave you any feedback and just ignore any emails you send because I don’t have the common courtesy to say thanks or no thanks?

 

Answer:

SEO-FAQ

 

 

 

Question:

Hi Carl, I have an established local business but I don’t want to pay for SEO, can you rank my website using your own time and money and I will give you a commission on the sales that I make even though I can’t prove that I can close any sales?

 

Answer:

SEO-FAQ

 

 

 

Question:

Hi Carl, I’ve been paying an SEO company £100 for the last 4 months and I’m unhappy with the results, can you get me to the top of Google for “Accountants in London” for the same price?

 

Answer:

SEO-FAQ

 

 

 

Question:

Hi Carl, I’ve been advised by my web designer to stop doing link building because backlinks are dead and aren’t important for SEO so can you cancel all of the links that you’ve been working on for the last 2 weeks?

 

Answer:

SEO-FAQ

 

 

 

Question:

Hi Carl, I don’t intend to do business with you but can you spend a few hours on the phone giving me free SEO advice? It’s not like you actually have a life or bills to pay or any real work to do for paying clients is it?

 

Answer:

SEO-FAQ

 

 

 

Question:

Hi Carl, so we’ve been doing SEO for 30 days now and I can see that 90 of the 100 keywords we’re tracking have moved up significantly in the rankings along with my organic traffic but I’m not happy that they’re not all on the first page yet, I’ve decided that I’m going to give up on SEO now so can you send a refund?

 

Answer:

SEO-FAQ

 

 

 

Question:

Hi Carl, I’ve got a new website selling £3,000 products in a competitive niche, I’ve got £200 a month to invest in SEO, can you…

 

Answer:

SEO-FAQ

 

 

 

 

leave-a-comment-batman

32 Responses so far.

  1. chris says:

    Very well explained! 😀 You posts are amazing Carl. I really like your style

  2. News Precise says:

    Haha This was amazing. Seriously sometime clients like this deserve a punch in face 😛

  3. Lonnie says:

    Then there is the classic…”I have a great business idea where I bring absolutely nothing to the table, not even money, and you rank a website, run the business, and do all the work…and since it was my idea we split the profits 50/50. I have lots of business ideas.”

  4. Haha!! That cracked me up. 😀

  5. john devlin says:

    Hahahahaha! I feel your pain!!

    Some pretty rough clients there Carl, even if they are half as bad as that I would run a mile!

    I got 4 clients and thought nope ……….. sticking with affiliate!

    3 more clients later, I am 100% shut! Staff and customers cause all the headache!

    Good post made me smile!

  6. Luis pereira says:

    The every day life of an seo manager. Hahaha

  7. Jay Love says:

    It’s amazing some of the dumb things clients or people in general have the nerve to ask for. One thing I was wondering, on the comments they said they want to waste your time, is that paraphrasing?

  8. David C says:

    Have people really had the b*lls to ask you questions like that? There really is some cheeky / stupid people out there!

  9. lioneaters says:

    I had a good laugh from this. Dumb questions in SEO are worse than the questions I would get in IT.

  10. Tom says:

    Heard most of these. Which is sad in a way….

  11. AdInfusion says:

    Sounds about right…

  12. Ruben says:

    Haha it’s only funny cause it’s true ;(

  13. DEAN says:

    good stuff

  14. Heman says:

    Lolllllllzzzzzzz….Hilarious.

  15. Meg says:

    So true! So many people have no idea what good SEO really takes!

  16. jess says:

    HEHEHE Damn you Carl! Why cant this be on first page for SEO! Great read!! Put a lil smile on my face to know we all deal with idiots.

  17. Lavie says:

    You nailed it carl, struggle of every SEO..

  18. Sebastian says:

    That’s why o don’t do SEO anymore. Instead I apply SEO in a pay for performance business model.

  19. Bill says:

    I would also like to see how you actually respond to such requests…

  20. The struggle of SEO, bro. But when you get to 30k a month and still have time for yourself that is what you call a good life imo :).

  21. Happens every day.

  22. Tim O'Keefe says:

    That is hilarious and uber creative at the same time. Well done. One of those satirical things I wish I would have done.

  23. Where’s my fecking do-follow link??

  24. Jose says:

    haha spot on mate!

  25. Matt says:

    It’s like Deja Vu all over again.

  26. Mina says:

    genius.

  27. Jon says:

    I’m a photographer. Can I use this to demonstrate to my potential clients the answer to most of their questions…..

  28. SEOmers says:

    Ha – The comment about the web designers is something I hear a bit! More so when they use the term ‘SEO Ready’ when selling their rehashed templates.

    Really grinds my gears when they state that and get all protective when I ask ‘What keyword research have you done, who’s the competition’? etc

    I’m gonna stop talking, I feel a rant kick starting

  29. Hahaha, this has to be the best FAQ page ever…

  30. Cleaning Day says:

    Hahahha you’ve made me smile! 🙂

  31. This is the most hilarious SEO article I have read in a while. Its true, our industry is full of crazy people lol